New Year 5770

So there were these three Jews, one orthodox, one conservative and one reformed. And they were sitting around on Rosh Hashanah evening. “Joe”, I says, “What did your rabbi talk about in his sermon?”

Joe thought a minute, smiled, gave a sheepish laugh and answered, “I forget”. So much for orthodox oration.

Vicki was next. “My rabbi missed his son. You could see it in his face…”

“Mom,” I says, “The sermon?”

“Oh that. He said Israel and Jews are being threatened by Iran and that Iran is evil. And that we should try to do more good deeds.” Timely, touching on the political, with a cloying aftertaste of conservative ethics.

It was my turn to give a report of this year’s reformed rabbi’s message—usually the punch line in any decent Jewish joke. I always try to fall asleep during the sermon. This year I almost did, twice. But each time I was about to drift off I caught a couple of words that sent me into an AllieMcBeal/Scrubs-like imaginary funk. The rabbi said that we should make a strong and consistent effort to know each other. He said that one of the greatest expressions of friendship and love is to be able to look at someone and say, “I get you”.

Well, that did it. I found myself in a Hollywood producer’s shabby office with Harry Zimm (Gene Hackman) sitting behind a desk in front of a window, blinds open, lights shining into the eyes of his guest, Ray “Bones” Barboni (Dennis Farina).

Harry: “Ray, look at me.”

Ray: “Why don’t you take a look at this?”

You know the rest. Harry got the crap knocked out of him. You see, Ray wasn’t really in the mood to bond emotionally.

And then somehow I find myself between John Travolta and Robert Deniro. John’s got his arm around my shoulder and says, “I’m wi’chu”.

“You’re with me?” I ask.

“No, I’m wi’chu. I know you. I get you.”

Then there’s the rabbi again. He’s saying that there’s a lot of things we don’t talk about that we should talk about because talking about them will make us both feel better and bring us closer together. But that it’s hard to be the first one to bring it up but that we should. And that whenever a shepherd lost a lamb and that lamb returned, the shepherd could take a seed and put it into a sack, but only if he really knew that lamb well. Hey, don’t laugh. This is reformed Judaism and we don’t take things literally. It’s all metaphor. We might as well be Freemasons. Good. Now you don’t have to read Brown’s The Lost Symbol. I did. Don’t waste your time.

I have learned after many years, that when talking to my mother, I should keep it short and keep it simple.

“Our rabbi’s sermon was the same as last year’s. He never talks about politics. He just tries to get us to be better people.”

Not a bad sermon. Happy and Healthy New Year to all.